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kulich



Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Posts: 330
Location: Utter West

PostPosted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A politician was seated next to a young girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, health care, or the economy, when you don't know poopoo?"

She went back to reading her book, and the politician had nothing else to say for the rest of the flight.
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kulich



Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Posts: 330
Location: Utter West

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But.. I've always wanted to."
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Paul



Joined: 19 Oct 2008
Posts: 1195
Location: Essex

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke went to the doctors complaining of being 'hard of hearing'.
The doctor said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
The bloke says "Homers a big fat yellow guy and Marge has blue hair". Very Happy
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Paul



Joined: 19 Oct 2008
Posts: 1195
Location: Essex

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloke walks into the doctors and says. . . . . . . "Doctor I keep thinking I’m a moth”.
“You don’t need me” replies the doctor. . . . . . “You need a psychiatrist”.
“I know” says the bloke “I was on my way there but I saw your light on”. Very Happy
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Paul



Joined: 19 Oct 2008
Posts: 1195
Location: Essex

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Went to the allotment on Monday and someone had put two inches of topsoil down???
Went again today and another two inches had been spread out???
The plot thickens!!! Very Happy
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Paul



Joined: 19 Oct 2008
Posts: 1195
Location: Essex

PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just got a new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs. . . . . . . . the birds love it! Wink
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rob-m



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 971
Location: Wandering the Land of Prog. Quite often via a Pub and a Premier Inn

PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloke at work asked me if I could tell him what people who lived in Corsica were called...

'corse I can..I replied

(c. Tim Vine)

Wink
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russhd
It Bites Forum Quiz Champion


Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 558
Location: In the good old major's home.

PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you hear about the hyena who swallowed an Oxo cube and made a laughing stock of himself?


Laughing
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rob-m



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 971
Location: Wandering the Land of Prog. Quite often via a Pub and a Premier Inn

PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ka-boom tish!

He's here all week folks ...
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oldmanwithhisangel



Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 1381
Location: Ashton under Lyne

PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'l

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off."
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oldmanwithhisangel



Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 1381
Location: Ashton under Lyne

PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 6:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local vicar appears, and quickly goes inside. "Will you look at that", says the first Irishman, "and didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are".

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside. "There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats", say the second Irishman.

They are drinking their beer and roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.

"Oh, how sad!", says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died!".
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kulich



Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Posts: 330
Location: Utter West

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Letter to a men's helpline...


Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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kulich



Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Posts: 330
Location: Utter West

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
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oldmanwithhisangel



Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 1381
Location: Ashton under Lyne

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over!

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
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oldmanwithhisangel



Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 1381
Location: Ashton under Lyne

PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.....

They suggest anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or Sleeping Bag
Extra clothing, including Hat and Gloves
24 hours worth of Food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Torch with spare Batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty Petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Booster Cables

I looked like a friggin' idiot on the Bus this morning!!!!
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