It Bites

[oldmanwithhisangel]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. "
"Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[oldmanwithhisangel]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[NeilgWhite]

That's one way to blow the forum cobwebs Chris!
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But I'm still old enough to remember , la la la la la la la la la......

[oldmanwithhisangel]

Cheers Neil

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
Ten Cents,' the barman replied.
Ten Cents exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
he bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[NeilgWhite]

A man walks up to his front door only to realise he's been locked out
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But I'm still old enough to remember , la la la la la la la la la......

[oldmanwithhisangel]

And in a peculiar way is secretly chuffed , 'cos his mrs works nights , and only sleeps usually around 3 hours. Today 9.20 - 13.20, sweet !
Only downer was the price of my pint , that was a joke £3
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[oldmanwithhisangel]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through beautiful North Wales and the Isle of Anglesey.

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiligogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?”




The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[Dena]

Now that's a cracker!
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Innit.

[oldmanwithhisangel]

10 foot of black tarmac walks into a bar and says to the bar man I want a pint now coz I'm hard.

The bar man serves the tarmac and he takes his drink and sits down.

Shortly after 10 foot of red tarmac walks in.

The black tarmac sees the red tarmac, and hides under the table.

The red tarmac quietly orders a drink, drinks it then leaves.

After he has left the black tarmac comes out of hiding from under the table.

The barman asks if your so hard why did you hide?

The black tarmac replies I am hard but he is a cyclepath.
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[Paul]

I was overtaken by an AA van. I noticed the driver was crying and talking to himself. And I thought, he's heading for a breakdown.
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'I'm so wrapped up in writing words for you'

[gazza]

Absolute class lads. Just the thing to cheer me up first thing in the mornin
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Oh my god - the genius of it all

[oldmanwithhisangel]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"




After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"

[Paul]

Someone has dumped two tonnes of plasticine on my drive. . . . .
I'm not sure what to make of it?
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'I'm so wrapped up in writing words for you'

[spinal tapboard]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman for some bread.
"We don't have bread," says the barman..."just drinks."
The duck says: "OK...can I have some bread?"
The barman says: "No bread...just drinks..what'll it be?"
The duck says: "Hmmm...so..can I have some bread please?"
The barman says: "Listen mate! We only sell drinks! If you ask for bread again, I'll nail you to the wall!!!"
The duck asks: "Do you have any nails?"
The barman replies: "NO!! JUST DRINKS!!!"
The duck says: "OK then...can I have some bread?"
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Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

[oldmanwithhisangel]

A Newly married couple,the husband remembers his fathers advice ,
so he throws his trousers over to his wife and says put them on, she says dont be silly they are far to big and wont fit.
Exactly he says i wear the trousers in this house!
His wife throws her knickers over to him and says put them on.
He says dont be daft they are far to small i will never get into them.

Exactly she says and you never will unless you change your attitude.
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"If Only You Could Hear The Words That I Just Said,Then Pretty Soon Immaculate Would Be Sitting In Your head"